I’ll start this blog off with a video produced by an ABC series called “You can’t ask that”. In this episode, people ask anonymous questions online, this time to domestic violence victims, to which then they answer in front of a camera. One of the questions asked was “Why didn’t you leave?”. This video gives a very personal touch to the question, as the people answering it have lived through violence perpetrated by someone they thought loved them.

One of the most age-old questions still being asked and stigmatized to this day is, “Why didn’t she just leave the relationship if it was that bad?”. To me, and most definitely to victims, this question is hurtful. In most instances, it comes from people who lack knowledge of Domestic Violence and the Mental Health Impacts. What I’ll be briefly going into this blog today is how the perpetrator’s destructive actions towards the victim may lead to low self-esteem and how a badly impacted Mental Health well-being may cause the victim to stay in an abusive relationship, as they think that this is what they deserve. Of course, this is not the main reason as to why individuals stay in abusive relationships, but it is the focus of today’s blog.

There are many reasons as to why people stay in abusive relationships, some including (Patricelli, n.d.):

• People may be dependent on the perpetrator (Financially)
• Religious & Cultural Background e.g. some Catholic people believe that divorce is bad.
• The victim may think that it is the right thing to do for the sake of family if children are involved
• Might be as simple as the victim may be too scared to leave

Perpetrators victimise, emotionally and psychologically abuse their partners. This can have a long term effect for the Mental Wellbeing of any person. After all, how would you feel after having someone constantly put you down, threaten you, thus lowering your self-esteem, and then apologising, make good gestures, promise to never have it happen again, and once you think that everything is okay again, the cycle begins again?

As human beings, we tend to shift our energy and focus more on the good parts of life, rather than the bad. This saying goes for relationships you might have had with a person. Victims find themselves making excuses for their perpetrators, for example, “I love him too much” or, “He has had a rough life” etc. Victims even go as far as blaming themselves for the perpetrator’s actions towards her. (The Hotline Org, 2013).

Low self-esteem can impact a victims wellbeing, with that in mind, it is easy to understand why it is hard to leave a relationship that is abusive. The abuser will often put their victim down and brainwash them to think that they are hopeless and cannot possibly live without them (LWCHC, 2006), and more often than not, the victim will believe them.

It is clear that the cycle of abuse and gaslighting can cause the victim to second guess themselves, therefore stay in an abusive relationship. Rather than shifting our focus on the actions of the perpetrator and why he is acting in such a heinous way, people tend to victimise and ask questions like “why didn’t she leave?”. Well, why don’t we ask ourselves “why is he hurting her?”.

References:

Leichhardt Community Health Centre Inc., 2006, Self Esteem and Relationships, online, http://www.lwchc.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/SelfEsteem.pdf viewed 16/04/2019

Patricelli, K (n.d), “Why Do Adults Stay in Abusive Relationships?”, Mental Help.net, online, https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/why-do-adults-stay-in-abusive-relationships/, viewed 16/04/2019

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (2013), “Excuses, Excuses…”, online, https://www.thehotline.org/2013/09/12/excuses-excuses/, viewed 16/04/2019

Youtube, 2019, You Can’t Ask That: Domestic and Family Violence Survivors Answer “Why Didn’t You Just Leave?”,  ABC TV, video, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmDXwF_fjOY, viewed 16/04/2019